Congrats to Dog the Bounty Hunter

My news alerts just went off- with wedding bells. Dog is getting remarried. He and Francie Frane, herself a widow, have found love in each other’s arms. I am happy for them- and anyone who finds love again after loss.

I also know how those who step into new love expecting happy wishes will be disappointed. The expectation is you wait a magical amount of time. Nobody knows what it is because it depends on the person choosing it for you. And for some the time is never, as in “how dare you disrespect the memory of your late spouse?” Or the freeze- you are suddenly not the friend you thought you were. And your new spouse will face the forever freeze from some with whom you previously spent your time and life.

The new couple is on the defensive. The sides line up.

Come on folks- this is not the Olympic soccer game. There should not be any sides.

Listen to Dog’s words in People Magazine:

“You’ll never forget the spouse… You can’t help it. I will never forget. But I’ve got to get out there. I’ve got to be able to say, ‘I came out of this and you can, too.’ As a human being, I don’t think you look for — not a replacement, because you can never find one. I’m learning that right now.”

So, let’s talk about the reality of losing your intimate partner after a long illness. You have had time to prepare. You fought the disease together. You made the decisions. You sat bedside. You said goodbye- probably multiple times. You were fully aware, more than anyone else, that the battle shifted to finding a good death, not a win against the disease. All while others around you were still talking about kicking cancer’s a$$. Or bringing you mythical magical potions and solutions and cures- none of them helpful or real. When your partner died you knew it was coming- because you were there for all of it, while others had the privilege of being there only for moments, or phone calls. And then they returned to their daily lives. They were not prepared. And they are not prepared now for you to be ready to be held by someone new, to talk about new love, to remarry even.

I watched as Dog was treated badly in the news and gossip columns when he began dating. It was “too soon”. It was “disrespectful.” He needed to remain chaste. She was only gone “x” amount of time and that was not nearly enough. Every widow and widower watching had the same thoughts- “you’re in for it now.” He broke those rules. She broke the rules. They looked happy. They held hands. They talked about love. They had that look between them.

The Grief Rules mean not looking happy too soon. Not dating too soon, or ever. Not even considering looking like intimacy with someone new might be possible. How dare you?

This is one of those times where a widow or widower know those making those judgments had never walked that walk. They’d never watched their partner take their last breath. They never adapted over and over to illness until intimacy was holding hands. And then those hands grew cool in those last days and hours. They’d never gotten up after that last breath and realized their world was suddenly forever completely different, and that they had to decide what to do with it.

Widows and widowers who set boundaries and make their own decisions, and who create a new life through reorganizing as they complete their grief process, are the ones who are healthier, happier, less likely to need medications for moods and anxiety, and are likely to include new relationships in that new life. Those who criticize need to check themselves until they have done the same. If you cannot be supportive at a minimum do not criticize.

Understand that those, like Dog, are not forgetting their first spouse. They are taking them with them. They are sharing the love they learned from them. They are not replacing them.

They are creating a new life. They did not ask for it.

Tabloids, stand down. Critics, check yourselves. The only opinions that count are those of the new couple.

Dog and Francie, I wish you the best, one Rebellious Widow to another.

If you are a therapist needing training in grief and intimate partner loss, you can find my courses at www.jilljohnsonyoung.com

If you are interested in the process of losing a partner and recovery, visit www.therebelliouswidow.com