It has been a long seven days, hasn’t it? As a grief therapist and self-confessed news junkie, it has been non-stop for me. More Covid deaths. The first anniversary of the lockdowns. News of more people getting sick or being diagnosed as long haulers. Vaccines, all the vaccines. Fear of vaccines. Other deaths that also cannot be mourned as we used to do because of limits on gatherings.
Then shootings. Plural. Three in Georgia all targeting Asian women and their businesses. One today in Colorado- and we do not even know why, as if any why would explain anything to make sense of ten dead people who went to work or to the grocery store ahead of a snowstorm. One person who was present said they almost died for a coke and chips.
All told sixteen lives lost to violence that appeared randomly in our midst.
What do we do with all of this? Is there anything that will make a difference?
Let’s pull it apart. Having the ability to do something always helps, doesn’t it?
- Covid: we can continue to stay safe to the best of our ability, get our vaccines if it is safe for your medical status and available in your area and bracket.
- Covid exhaustion: we can go outside, get some sun, follow the guidelines for our areas and vaccination status to see safe people and absorb some smiles. We can play with our pets, get out in nature (that includes walking in the park), and remember how far we have come from those first days a year ago. (Thank you, scientists and medical folks!)
What about the losses, the shootings, the other losses you are also experiencing or know people who are?
- We can name the underlying anti-Asian hate and discrimination that is part of the Atlanta murders and speak into it when we see and hear it. We can speak up and stop it when we see and hear it. We can patronize businesses with Asian owners and staff and express out support. We can be neighbors.
- We can and should show up when anyone has a loss. I realize it has been a year of nearly 600,000 extra deaths from Covid and all the other deaths we always have – it sort of feels like it is all too much, doesn’t it? But each of those deaths is a family’s great sadness and hole in their hearts, and we need to bear witness to it, honor it, and share in it. Make the calls. Send the cards. Drop off or send the food. Make sure there are flowers. They need to know that in a week like this their loved one dying still matters and will still be missed.
- We can reach out to anyone you know was touched by the shootings in both states. We can donate to one of the many fundraisers for victims.
And, as The Rebellious Widow, I suggest we hold space for those who have had any loss recently. Respect the boundaries they need to set to manage their grief. Support them in whatever they need to do to recover. Be conscientious in not criticizing any of the decisions they make as they navigate their experience. Be sure not to try to enforce any of your grief rules and be aware of what grief rules you have in your beliefs about grief.
What are Grief Rules? Anything you think should apply to the way someone grieves. Why is that a problem? Because it is not your loss- it’s theirs. Their timeframes. Their funeral or memorial(s). Their decisions as to what they need to do- or not do. Their memory of who the person who died really was to them. Their process of reorganizing their life around the loss. You may think you know what they need. You may have had a similar loss at some point. But this one is theirs. Allow them the space to manage it, while holding the space and companioning them through it.
When we try to manage someone else’s loss, we take their power. We change the trajectory of how they need to grieve and recover. We make it our way. Not theirs. They lost their power when their loved one died, and they could not stop it. Let them have the grace to do what they need to, and to take back some control over their life and world. If one plan doesn’t work, they will change their process. Support them with love, laughter when possible, and a listening ear. Don’t use platitudes that can cause hurt. Listen instead. You will be the best help anyone could ever ask wish for.
For more information about grief and grieving, books by Jill, and courses she offers, find her at www.jilljohnsonyoung.com www.centralcounselingservices.com and www.therebelliouswidow.com You can also find her on Instagram, FB, and Linked In.
