You have a client you’ve seen for some time. It was a weekly appointment, and then you went on with them online. The relationship was never broken. You were happy to see your client overcoming the big stuff, and blossoming into who they wanted to be. Then they didn’t show up for the next appointment. That wasn’t like them. You contacted them by phone or text or email. No response. You checked voicemail. Nothing. You are watching the news and seeing the counts going higher and higher in your area. COVID is ramping up.
And you still can’t reach them. They were not a suicide risk, but you know something must be wrong. They never miss.
The next day your phone rings. The voice on the other end introduces themselves as your client’s mom, or dad, or spouse, or adult child. They are trying not to cry. You can tell- as we all can when someone is trying to pull it together for a task before breaking down again. Your client was fine- and then they weren’t. It was a cough, a cold- and then ICU. They never even got to say goodbye. Your client has died. You will never see them again. The family tracked you down by your contacts on the client’s phone. They knew who you were, you knew their names, as we so often do.
It could be something other than COVID- our clients get into auto accidents, quit therapy and die from cancer or other illnesses, some face down a gun.
What matters is you are left with all the feelings, and no place to put them. As therapists we can’t tell anyone we experienced a death. Some therapists will tell you that it is not your loss- you are not supposed to mourn or miss a client. That must be a boundaries issue on your part. Some will tell you not to attend a funeral or memorial, even if the family does know you.
Let’s get real. As a grief therapist I know you feel something. And as a grief therapist, I know we are all facing multiple losses in the coming months. I’m not going to get into that part here. We need to talk about what you can do to grieve you client and take care of yourself.
· If there is a service or celebration, and you feel a need, attend. You are not required to tell anyone who you are. You don’t have to sign a guest book. You aren’t wearing your business card. You are honoring the memory of your client.
· There are currently no services allowed because of the COVID outbreak. That means families will be going months before they can have a funeral, leaving them to silently grieve. Some will be all alone. If there is a delayed service, and you were going to go initially, please consider attending.
· If you need a day or two, or some free hours to get your head together and allow the feelings to happen, make some room in your schedule. We expect clients to make space for their feelings and to express them. Therapists need that space too.
· You can find a colleague to consult with if needed- but make sure it is someone familiar with grief. You need a safe space to talk through what your client meant to you, and what the loss means to you. You also need to plan how you will manage if you have clients with losses you need to provide services for.
· Journal. I mean it. We tell clients to do it. This is a loss for you. Write it down. What was left that is unfinished? Were there things you wish you could have said to your client? Were their goals or aspirations they had or you wished for them that are now never going to happen? Are you experiencing a response to how they died? Is it bringing up old stuff for you? Old fears about death? Losses you never finished in your life? Write it down.
· Don’t look for stages. They do not belong in grief after a death.
· Some of us need a ceremony of our own when someone dies. You can create your own. Many grief therapists have candle lighting ceremonies, but anything that allows you to remember your client in a way that works for you is the right thing for you.
· In the midst of the virus, you might consider doing appointments on the quarter hour to ensure you have a space to clear your head before your next appointment.
· Prepare yourself- we are heading into a prolonged period of multiple losses in traumatic conditions. You will be hearing about it in virtually any part of the country and facing the impact on your clients. If you have had a recent client loss it might trigger you. Have a plan and be prepared.
· Be honest. There will not be a single person not touched by COVID. Whether it is the death of a loved one, a client, a first responder someone is worrying about, having family members deployed on the front lines, or simply the impact of too much news and too many reports about increasing deaths. Don’t turn the client’s questions around so fast right now. Own your own losses and the impact. I am not suggesting in depth conversations and disclosure that is for your need not theirs, but refusing to acknowledge that it is impacting you is disingenuous.
· Self-care: I know it is an over used term that frequently makes us turn off, while we use it with clients. It is vitally important in doing grief, your own as well. Get sunshine daily. Purposefully. Bring in some flowers or citrus or something that offers scent and beauty if you are not sensitive to environmental odors. Have blankets available. They are good for you as much as your client. Wear clothes that feel good. Drink water (yes, I know, I don’t do that myself enough). Walk between appointments and go outside. Eat right, as much as you can. Keep a routine. Sleep in a dark cool room. Snuggle your pet or foster one if you don’t have one. You can’t do the work if you have not done your own and are not taking care of yourself.
· If you need it, find a therapist. We promote mental health. We deserve the support ourselves. Musicians listen to music. We should hear ourselves.
· Remember that this is temporary. It is serious. It will be a long haul. But there is another side. We can learn a few lessons during this and having a client die is a learning opportunity. It can make you a better therapist.
If you need assistance or a consult, please see me at www.jilljohnsonyoung.com There are COVID loss resources going up, and help on all types of loss. I am also available for consult.
Please take care of yourself, stay well, wash your hands, wear your mask, keep your physical distance for safety, and reach out for help.
